 |
| Abstract Landscape Photography by Frances Seward - stunning art I stumbled across that I think is so intriguing. I have no idea how she does this. You can see more of her work here. |
NOTE: I wrote this as a note on Facebook in September last year. If you happened to read it on my FB I apologize but I wanted to repost it on the blog as I'd like to have these thoughts compiled in one place. In re-reading it, I thought it was interesting how I referred to the idea of writing a blog and alas...now I have one! :)
Okay....on to the original post! P.S. I have a couple update notes written at the end.
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************
"The longer you live, the better you will be able to understand your struggling inner nature, and you will be able to find an outlet for the power that it gives you. Some people write, some sing, some raise a family, some join law firms, others plant roses. How we express our sensual, spiritual and intellectual selves define who we are." - Christopher de Vink in Compelled to Write To You
I have been thinking a lot about creativity lately. I love this quote about how we all find (or hopefully find) outlets for expressing ourselves. I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that my greatest outlet for expressing myself is through relationships. Although I have found myself desiring more solitude in my life (at least in theory), I most certainly depend on relational connections to find fulfillment and purpose in life.
The last few years of my life have been centered around a theme of community. After university I struggled with the post-college life. I threw myself into my career because working in media/marketing demands it and because I enjoyed what I did. However, not belonging to a community in the sense that I had during school left me feeling empty and lonely. Despite having many friends, the demands of working in corporate America left no time for pursuing depth in those relationships in a fulfilling way. For me, balance was elusive. Moving to South Korea and entering the world of travelers was like re-opening a door to a community-oriented lifestyle and I blossomed. The further away I was from my work in America, the more I could see how unhealthy of a lifestyle it had been for me. For the past three years, pursuing relationships and community has been a top priority in my life.
Of course, while relationships are beautiful and valuable, there are always two sides of the coin. People can "hurt you, desert you, break your heart if you let them" (truth via James Taylor). Or less dramatically, investing in people can just wear you out. I have many personal interests that I want to pursue. I am sure that balance between relationship time and solitude time is a healthy way to live. But it is natural and easy for me to push aside any individual pursuits because there are always relational opportunities that seem more important or interesting in the moment.
So to get back to the point, one outlet that I feel has taken a major backseat in my life is creative pursuits. Ryan and I have started new jobs teaching English at a university in South Korea and will be here for about six months. We live outside of Seoul in a small town and have a very easy work schedule. We should only be working about 20-25 hours per week and have three day weekends. I have been looking forward to this time as a period to rest and invest in some creative interests.
In college I used to "joke" that I'm just not a creative person. I was very involved in the communication department (my major). I was producer of our television program, editor of the yearbook, and filled almost every possible job available at the radio station. But of all these commitments, I seemed to be at my best in roles where I directed and organized the truly creative people, rather then being assigned the creative projects myself.
This said, when I was younger I truly enjoyed being involved in the arts. I used to write short stories and wanted to be an author. I loved, loved, loved theatre in high school (I loved the spotlight and always preferred to be leading lady). I played and taught piano and was involved in choir. When I started university, I had piano and vocal scholarships which I eventually gave up because as I became mega involved in the communications department I gradually lost the time and motivation for the practice and involvement required to keep them. I decided I had to prioritize and music fell through the cracks.
I am drawn to TOO many artistic pursuits. I want to be a photographer, a graphic designer, a painter, a contemporary dancer, an actress, a writer, and more. But I also want to be good at all of these things, which is impossible. My sister was a dancer for years and it required almost daily dance lessons. I don't want to commit that much to any art....but I also find it hard to accept mediocrity when I am surrounded by so many extremely talented friends. Can I accept being a jack of all trades, master of none?
I have been tempted by the idea of blogging. I want to be a better writer and have an outlet for my thoughts. Ryan and I were talking about writing and he brought up the point of how good writing is so much about being a practiced writer. Every time I think of committing to a blog I face the reality of how I am. Writing regularly takes discipline. I have avoided blogging because I have little doubt that I will quickly let it become a pressure and something else on my to-do list rather than a joy.
I have wanted to paint for a long time and have decided to try it during these six months. Even so, I have hinting feelings that painting might also feel like drudgery rather than fulfilling.
One night I was reflecting on why I shrink away from artistic outlets when in my head they seem so desirable. Have I just become that lazy? I knew that I truly loved theater and music when I was in high school. What had happened to me since then? I started thinking about when I watch So You Think You Can Dance (BEST show and not to be confused with Dancing with the Stars) and even Glee (guilty pleasure), how I am so drawn in by the relational depth and community that is experienced by the dancing partners or portrayed among high school glee club. I resonate with it because I have experienced it. There was something so binding about putting on a show in high school theatre. And I miss it and I would love to experience it again.
I realized that I was hitting on a personal breakthrough in what makes creativity meaningful to me. Again....the common theme of relationships and community!
So now I am left with determining how to apply this in my life. Traveling makes it difficult to find creative communities. They are sometimes available if you are willing to stay in one place for an extended period of time but when I have thought about searching them out while living in South Korea it has felt forced and unfulfilling. I have generally thought that there are seasons of life and this is not my current season for theater or contemporary dance (probably the two activities that would bring me the most creative fulfillment).
I do know that I have the ability and time to try some more individual creative outlets like painting and writing and possibly improving photography. I don't know if I will find them fulfilling. Maybe they will be a drudgery. Maybe they are worth it as a discipline and maybe I will find joy in them.
I think what I will do is try out the discipline and see if it turns to enjoyment. If not, maybe I will accept that for me, creative outlets have to have a relational element and determine to find classes or group efforts. If I ever do start a blog, I suppose I will have to learn to write shorter entries! Or maybe not. My writing tends to be a little self-absorbed and more for my benefit than for others (case in point, this post). Maybe writing is the one area where I truly am more individually focused than communally....?
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Update
1) Obviously I haven't succeeded so far in writing shorter posts on the blog. :) I started re-reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott today (lovely book on writing) and was reminded that I need to show up and write if I ever hope to improve!
2) In this post I expressed my desire to explore painting. While in South Korea I tried putting paint on canvas a couple times on my own just to see how I liked it. I loved the colors and texture of paint but quickly decided I needed to take a class. The purpose being both for the actual direction and because I hoped that having classmates would add a relational dimension that would help the process of painting match with my personality more. Now that I'm in the states for the summer I'm taking an oil painting class and can tentatively say (after only two weeks) that I like it!
3) When I was teaching my students at Konkuk University in South Korea we talked about the arts one week and on one night in particular we were talking about creativity. I had found this article on one of my favorite blogs: The No. 1 Habit of Highly Creative People. It's a great post....but in a nutshell it says that SOLITUDE is the number one habit of highly creative people. It was then that I realized I'm doomed! :)
